I’ve talked about this before but lots of latest instances have kind of reminded me about this. I thought I had outgrown it or finally managed to fix it somewhat but it turns out that I actually still have but I just haven’t noticed it for a while. I’m talking, of course, about my strange and sad powers of invisibility.
When I say power I do mean the super, abnormal, inexplicable type that I’ve had since I was a child. Seriously, I could stand in plain sight and people would see right past me. And it’s happened a couple of times before too! The latest instance happened last Thursday when my friend and I saw our other friend some distance away. The other friend noticed my friend and waved at her but didn’t see me at all though I was standing next to her, waving frantically. It was pretty funny. But then it stopped being funny.
I think that’s how I got the habit of needing to touch or poke the person I’m talking to so that they’d actually look at me and listen. And even then it sometimes doesn’t work.
I honestly can’t even blame people for not noticing me. I just generally don’t have a presence, I think, and that’s why even when I’m so close to people they don’t really notice me until they bump into me or until I talk. I don’t talk much either and don’t have any distinctive features so I blend right in anywhere. Sometimes it’s an advantage when I’m avoiding someone or something but generally it’s infuriating. Imagine being constantly bumped into by strangers, unintentionally ignored by your peers though you’re literally right in front of them, even forgotten by your own family. It’s like that for me.
When I shared this to a friend, she said that my situation is “so sad” but I’m not really sure if she understood what I meant. That friend has no such invisibility problems and actually gets noticed even when she doesn’t want to. I, on the other hand, am a ghost compared to her. Sometimes, when I’m feeling glum but particularly imaginative, I do fantasize about being a ghost and floating around just watching things go. It’s not such a bad fantasy, I mean, you kind of get fond of not being seen or heard and just observing things up close. But then, well, it gets lonely and sad and I can’t stop thinking about it because it’s such an easy fantasy to get lost in because I barely even have to imagine anything new.
I’m not even sure why I’m writing this post, to be honest. It’s not like this is something completely foreign to me. Heck, even my closest friends don’t see me sometimes – now what does that say about my situation? Sad, for one. Completely and utterly hopeless, for another. I should just stop dreaming about maybe improving this particular aspect of my life so I could spare myself some pain.
(Originally posted in my Tumblr)